Regrets To Happiness
by kyoshiya
Summary: It's Hijikata's birthday...what happens?


**Today is May 5th where I live! So HAPPY BIRTHDAY HIJIKATA TOSHIRO! Yes I know, in other places, the timezones are different but haha oh well. Ok well I had a hard decision if I was going to make a fanfic of Mitsuba still being alive with the present Hijikata in Gintama right now or alive Mitsuba with teenage Hijikata when he wasn't the vice commander of the Shinsengumi yet. After a lot of thinking, I eventually came up with this. I'm sorry it sucks, but haha I tried...yeah I suck. Happy Birthday Hijikata Toshiro :)**

* * *

Hijikata was in his room doing paperwork. As usual, it was impossible for him to never yawn when doing this paperwork. Smoking his cigarette was basically his only survival option to survive through all this paperwork.

As he was doing his paperwork, he began to remember memories...of his first love.

* * *

_Starting Hijikata's flashback:_

Hijikata suddenly heard a noise of his room door sliding open.

He looked over to see the woman he was in love with. Sougo's sister was standing there smiling directly at him.

Hijikata really cannot handle himself to act calm when she smiles like that.

Her smile was just _**too**_ beautiful. In fact, everything about her was beautiful. Her elegance, sweet voice, sweet smile, her cute personality...everything about Mitsuba was just so perfect to Hijikata.

"Toushirou-san...how is the paperwork going?"

Mitsuba made her way over to sit down next to Hijikata.

Hijikata really couldn't stop blushing. He felt his whole face was going to burst open from blushing too much. He was cursing himself for liking her. He really can't handle all these feelings he had for her.

Hijikata looked away and made an embarrassed face with a frown.

"...Why did you come here?"

Mitsuba giggled softly. "Is it so wrong to visit you?"

Hijikata was covering his whole face at this point.

"...I'm busy right now...Can you come back later?"

Hijikata suddenly felt hands touching his untied long hair.

Mitsuba was brushing through Hijikata's hair while smiling.

"Toushirou-san...you really have such long beautiful black hair. I'm jealous." Mitsuba giggled.

Hijikata held on Mitsuba's hand.

Mitsuba blushed. The touch of Hijikata's hand felt so...warm.

Hijikata couldn't stop blushing. "Enough...please...let go."

Mitsuba giggled again. "But Toushirou-san...it looks like you're not letting go of my hand...What should I do?"

Really, Hijikata thought to himself what the hell was wrong with him. He usually is not the type to be clingy. He hasn't let anyone touch him or touch anyone for a so very long time. Since he's not the type to make skin contact. Only people he respects makes Hijikata allow himself to be touched by them which is only a very few...since it's rare for Hijikata to actually respect someone as a person. Very rare.

The people he respects was basically only his older brother and Kondo-san. ...Mitsuba wasn't a type of person he respects but more like someone he cherishes and loves.

Mitsuba blinked. "Toushirou-san...your whole face is red." Mitsuba then smiled.

Hijikata seriously hated himself so much right now.

"Sickly women should be resting..."

Mitsuba laid her head down on Hijikata's back. "I'm not sick...I'm perfectly healthy." Mitsuba closed her eyes and smiled. "But I'll listen to you Toushirou-san...I will rest here on your back."

Hijikata really could not have ONE conversation with Mitsuba where he did not blush.

There they were, Hijikata blushing while not moving an inch because he was so nervous to even move with Mitsuba laying on his back, and Mitsuba smiling while looking out to the sunset through Hijikata's room with the sliding doors wide open.

* * *

Hijikata's flashback stopped there.

Any more further than that, Hijikata felt he could not handle all the pain he felt inside.

Hijikata laid down and puffed out a breathe of smoke.

He remembered some of Mitsuba's words from the moment he felt in pain the most.

_"With you...Toushirou-san..."_

Those words of Mitsuba truly made Hijikata feel happy inside. His first love loved him back. He felt it was amazing she actually wanted to be with him.

...However, Hijikata is the type to really not express all his true feelings out. He just keeps them silently in his mind.

Hijikata felt at that time...he was not capable of protecting her or giving happiness to her. He felt he did not deserve Mitsuba. He felt as if she was too good for him and that she deserved better.

Therefore, he decided to leave her behind.

Yeah, Hijikata sure felt like one huge asshole...But he just wanted to protect the woman he loved. Simple as that.

After the day when Hijikata left Mitsuba behind for him to go to Edo, his habit of smoking really just picked up along the way.

He really knew why. Smoking was for him to release his regrets...pain...feelings...all out about Mitsuba.

Feelings about killing people was no problem. He knew it was his decision to protect Kondo-san. For the Shinsengumi.

But Mitsuba...that was something he could never forgive himself for.

No matter how much time passed by...he just really could not forgive himself.

Hijikata took out his cigarette and put it in the ashtray.

He took out his lighter and a new cigarette from his pack of cigarettes that he bought a day ago.  
Yeah, being the smoking addict Hijikata is, finishing a whole pack of cigarettes in a day was easy for Hijikata.

He lighted up the cigarette and putted it in his mouth.

He sighed. Smoke was all over flying away into the air.

Hijikata thought to himself;

...When would smoking give him a lung disease, which was the cause of Mitsuba's death? He wanted to die already. He thought all the pain he gave Mitsuba should be punished with his own death. Lung cancer sounded like a good way of death for him to die.

"Mitsuba..."

Hijikata's tears came dripping down.

"You may be in heaven...But I'll be down in hell...You hate me even more now, don't you?"

Hijikata felt a strong wind pass by him.

Hijikata's hair flew by.

He remembered when Mitsuba used to tie up his long hair.

He began missing his long hair.

However, he thought he doesn't deserve to keep his long hair that was cherished by Mitsuba.

Now his short styled black hair pretty much made Hijikata satisfied.

Yeah, Hijikata told himself that he would not think anything else about Mitsuba...but Hijikata just really couldn't help it. Thoughts of Mitsuba just suddenly came into his mind.

The sun was beaming into Hijikata's eyes.

Hijikata cursed himself for forgetting to close the sliding doors in his room.

Then suddenly, Hijikata smiled to himself.

"...The sun. It reminds me of her."

**The End**


End file.
